A lot people I know read the newspaper in the morning (I'm that old), and while I tend these days to get most of my news from reputable online sources (so I don't feel so old), I decided, this morning, as the old-timers say, to have a look at the paper.
We get the Denver Post, a pretty good paper as papers go. Not as good as The Onion, but, today, I have to admit, they're giving the Onion a run for its money.
"Sell Fort Knox Gold?" the lead headline reads. Then, below the fold, but still on the front page, an article on the upcoming Rapture (this Saturday!—thank heavens I didn't take the car in for an oil change!), which over the years has been rescheduled, as we all know, A LOT, pretty much continuously, actually, but let's not be cynical. Apparently the next Rapture, due to be rescheduled soon (sorry, I have tics I can't help), is set for this Saturday, May 21st. And the person leading the national ad campaign to promote "Judgment Day May 21st" is of course, like every kook these days, from this our great state of Colorado, at least originally, an 89-year old "Boulder-born" fellow by the name of Harold Egbert Camping (as Dave Barry would say: I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP—I read it in the Post).
To the right of the article, still on the front page, is a graph depicting how "evenly split" the public (not just superstitiously-wired, doe-eyed evangelicals, but The Public, random people off the streets) is on the subject of whether we are experiencing "end times." In fact, a little over 20% of The Public "completely agree[s]" that we're experiencing, here and now, ahead of Saturday, end times—about the same percentage who would vote for Sarah Palin, or Donald Trump, to be the next president, and a similar number—I'm guessing—to those who think that Elvis is still alive, that Obama is a space alien, that the Federal Reserve controls their minds (which they do, but, you know, even the utterly deranged are right about a few things), that dinosaurs are merely evidence that God enjoys messing with our heads, and that the moon landing took place inside a hangar at Area 51, or perhaps in a circus tent north of Reno, not far from the annual site of Burning Man ...
A little over 20% of the public will eat out of pretty much any charlatan's hand that's handy.
But back to gold (as my neighbor cringes :-) ). Today's headline in the Post ...
Should we sell our gold at Fort Knox?
It is difficult to overstate how stunningly stupid of decision that would be, especially now, yet who are the people pitching this "plan"? Dumb old liberals who don't know a thing about money, investing, economic history, or human guile, who think we'd be better off holding a fort full of coffee beans from some totally fucking awesome places like Ethiopia and Sumatra and Bolivia, rather than stupid old gold, which is practically as worthless as a seatbelt most of the time?
Turns out, no ...
The people pitching this idea, to sell our stash of gold for, based on today's price, roughly 220 billion dollars—which we could use to buy and sell Warren Buffett seven times over, or pay roughly two months of the interest on the national debt—are our good friends at the conservative think tanks, The Heritage Foundation and The Cato Institute.
And here I thought they were all gold bugs! Like Rush, and Glenn—and me (NB: I don't have anywhere near 220 billion dollars in gold, and what I do have I don't keep in my home, so please don't come here looking for it or I'll shoot you ... with my son's Nerf rifle).
But no, Ron Utt, a senior fellow at the Heritage Foundation, blithely says that given our debt problem (extrapolate from above, if possible) we should now sell the one thing that will surely get more valuable, in dollars, as our debt goes up, or just lingers, as our currency, under the pressure of it, wilts, though perhaps no worse than most of the others.
We might as well sell now, he says ... "at the peak."
Who knows? Mr. Utt from the Heritage Foundation might be right ... even though China is buying gold like hot cakes, as is Russia, and India, and other emerging nations, not to mention Central Banks, who are notoriously poor investors (see: Gordon Brown, Chancellor of the Exchequer, 1999), and the very rich, as well as an unquantifiable number of kooks and cranks such as myself, but never mind ... because, when all is said and done, barbaric relic that Keynes believed it to be, gold, for some who-knows-why reason, remains a time-honored measure of a nation's wealth, and will probably come in handy when, down the line, we, the world, decides on a new reserve currency to replace the dollar, which will hold its spot for the foreseeable future, but not forever, given the nature of things ...
Nonetheless, Mr. Utt, as well as Mr. Chris Edwards, Director of tax-policy studies at the libertarian Cato Institute (who said, "Why not? I think it shows that the government is serious about reforming itself."), thinks we should sell all our gold, to pay two months worth of interest on the debt. Mr. Kevin Hassett, from the American Enterprise Institute, thinks we should consider selling our interstate highway system. Perhaps that would get us another month.
This is no shit, it was in the paper—
Look, I'm a sporting guy—if you, Ron, and anyone else who's game, really thinks the price of gold has topped out and thinks it's time for our nation to sell the lot, I've got a proposition for you: I'll bet you $100 cash—chump change, I'm sure you'll agree—that the price of gold hits $2000/ounce before it sees $1000 again. It's a fool's bet, but you and your friends sound like big ones, so, let me know. Seriously. It might take awhile to see who ends up right on this one, but I'm in if you are.
For what it's worth, "a senior administration official [that would be Obama's], not authorized to speak for attribution," in the same article was quoted as saying" "Selling off the gold is just one level of crazy away from selling Mount Rushmore."
All to say you have to be pretty nimble these days to stay on top of who and what is crazy what and who isn't, but—I couldn't agree more. Anyway, a good Rapture could send the price soaring.
btw: We're still almost a year and half away from the election. Anything could happen, right? Even if we get past Saturday, so ... just for fun ... who would like to bet me (Republican true-believers? Democratic worry-warts? Foreigners who think they know something about the inner-workings of our homeland?) a $100 that a Republican is going to beat Obama, in 2112?
That is, I'll take Obama, you get the Republican. A $100. Cash.
Give it some thought, and get back to me.
I bid you adieu, here at the Rattle & Hum Casino. Be sure to put on clean underwear on Saturday!
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